6. Divorce – What It Offers (And What It Can’t Fix)

The first essay in a series of three. When Leaving Looks Like Liberation — But Costs More Than One Might Expect

May 09, 2025

Divorce is often framed as an escape hatch, a chance to start over, reclaim one’s individuality, or avoid the discomfort of relational stagnation. In some cases, it is absolutely necessary: when there is any form of abuse, including physical, emotional, or psychological harm. But it's important to stress that this must be genuine harm, not the result of misinterpretation, projection, or unresolved inner conflict being placed on a partner.

For a deeper exploration of this distinction, see: 3. Misunderstood, Misrepresented and Sometimes Made Up – The Quiet Cost of False Accusations

But what about those more ambiguous situations? What if there is no abuse, the two get on okay, and they haven’t actually tried working things out together?

This essay explores what divorce appears to offer in such cases, and why, for people with children in particular, the promised relief is often accompanied by unanticipated consequences.

The Perceived Benefits of Divorce

A Sense of Personal Freedom
Imagine waking up with nothing but silence. No negotiations, no compromises, no invisible weight pressing on your choices. Just you, your time, and the open sky of possibility. For many, divorce feels like the key to a long-locked door, the return of your name to your calendar: that seductive image of waking up and being able to do whatever you want, when you want, without negotiation. your voice to your decisions. It promises liberation, space, and the intoxicating idea that life can once again be fully your own.
Escape from Emotional Flatness
The humdrum, grey-toned days of quiet disconnection can feel unbearable. No arguments, no fire, no warmth, just the slow drip of emotional distance. Divorce seems to promise colour and contrast again: spontaneous joy, passionate encounters, the thrill of rediscovering your forgotten vibrancy. It’s the dream of replacing numbness with intensity, monotony with meaning.
Potential for New Love
Somewhere out there, someone understands you without explanation. They laugh at your quirks, share your values, and their very presence makes you feel seen again. Divorce often presents this alluring dream, that maybe your soulmate isn’t the one you married, but the one you’ve yet to meet. It’s the promise of effortless connection, electric chemistry, and the joy of being desired. For those feeling unseen or misunderstood, the idea of a new beginning with someone who “just gets you” can feel like hope itself. It's not just about romance, it's about the possibility of being chosen again, fully and freely.
Avoiding Escalated Conflict
When every disagreement feels like a ticking time bomb, peace starts to look like escape. Divorce can appear to offer the chance to disarm the future, to step away from arguments before they ignite, to shield your children and yourself from pain. It promises calm, an end to walking on eggshells, the hope of safety through separation.
Teaching Kids About "Honesty" or "Self-Worth"
Some believe that staying sends the wrong message, that silence, sacrifice, and settling are what children will learn. Divorce can feel like a declaration: I won’t pretend, I won’t live small, I won’t teach my children to deny their truth. It can appear noble, an act of personal integrity and a blueprint for bravery.

BUT….They Often Don’t Hold Up

Each of these perceived benefits carries emotional weight, but like many illusions, they don’t always survive contact with reality. What seems like clarity at the edge of a relationship often fades into complication on the other side. Here's why these promises frequently unravel:

A Sense of Personal Freedom
The promise of freedom can be seductive, especially when one feels stuck or overlooked. But freedom from what? Often, it’s not the partner who is the prison, but the individual's own unspoken needs, patterns, or avoidance of conflict. True autonomy doesn’t require abandonment, it often requires deeper engagement. As therapist Esther Perel points out, “Many people divorce not because they’re falling out of love, but because they’re falling out of hope.”
A comprehensive study by the Marriage Foundation, titled 'Couples on the Brink,' analyzed data from the UK Household Longitudinal Study and found that many couples who contemplated divorce but chose to stay together reported significant improvements in their relationships over time. This suggests that the initial allure of personal freedom through separation may not lead to the anticipated emotional relief, and that working through challenges within the marriage can result in renewed satisfaction. These results are replicated in several other studies across the western world.
The concept of the "hedonic treadmill" also suggests that the boost in happiness following a divorce is likely temporary. Most individuals return to their baseline emotional state within a short time after the divorce, often finding that personal growth would have required inner work regardless of relationship status.
And then there’s the unexpected ache: the sound of the door closing behind the children when they go to the other parent’s house, the quiet of holidays spent half-whole, the feeling of being outside your own family’s memories. What looked like freedom from obligation can quickly turn into a disorienting absence, from routines, from shared rituals, from the life you once built. Instead of relief, many find themselves wading through a slow, dull grief they hadn’t accounted for.
Escape from Emotional Flatness
Flatness is usually the result of disconnection, not incompatibility. When two people stop nurturing the emotional intimacy between them, it naturally withers. But that can be reignited. Emotional reconnection isn’t about chemistry, it’s about attention, vulnerability, and shared experiences. Couples who recommit to these principles often find they feel more alive in the relationship, not outside of it. Research by psychologists John and Julie Gottman shows that couples who turn toward each other during periods of disconnection, rather than away, can dramatically improve emotional closeness and relationship satisfaction.
Potential for New Love
The fantasy of a new relationship is powerful, but it’s often fuelled not by reality, but by limerence. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence is a heightened emotional state marked by obsession, idealisation, and the overwhelming desire for reciprocation. It feels profound, but it’s not love, it’s a neurochemical surge driven by novelty, imagination, and emotional scarcity.
Limerence thrives in ambiguity. It paints a perfect picture onto someone who hasn’t yet been tested by the demands of daily life. And while it may feel exhilarating, it is often unsustainable, typically fading within 12 to 36 months. What seems like deep connection may actually be an echo of unmet needs, not the presence of true compatibility.
This is reflected in the numbers: second marriages have a 60% divorce rate (Marriage Foundation).
Divorce regret is not rare, and it’s even more telling when it comes from those who initiated it. Several studies have highlighted this surprising truth:
A University of Minnesota study found that 50% of people who initiated divorce later had second thoughts about whether it was the right decision.
A survey by Avvo.com reported that 27% of divorced individuals regretted ending their marriage. While it didn’t isolate initiators, regret was higher among those who had entered new relationships quickly, many of whom had initiated the divorce seeking something more fulfilling.
In a National Fatherhood Initiative survey, 33% of divorced individuals said they wished they had worked harder to save their marriage. Initiators, particularly women, were significantly more likely to express regret than those who had been left.
A Seddons Solicitors study in the UK found that 22% of divorcees admitted to regretting their decision, with many initiators believing the relationship could have been salvaged with more support or effort.
According to research cited in The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons, 50% of divorced women and 30% of men reported feelings of regret or reconsideration within the first year after their divorce.
This range, from around one in five to as high as half, reveals a sobering truth: regret often lives on the side of those who chose to leave. What feels like freedom in the moment can, over time, be replaced by an ache for what was lost, misunderstood, or never fully worked through.
Avoiding Escalated Conflict
Some couples anticipate conflict and opt out before it escalates, but avoiding conflict is not the same as resolving it. The ability to manage disagreement with maturity and grace is a learned skill. Without it, the same dynamics will show up again elsewhere. Walking away might provide temporary relief, but it often delays the deeper work of emotional development.
In fact, conflict itself is not a sign of a bad relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, it is how couples handle conflict, not whether they have it, that determines relationship success or failure. Learning to repair rather than retreat can transform what feels irreparable.
Teaching Kids About "Honesty" or "Self-Worth"
There’s a belief that leaving teaches children not to settle, but kids don’t learn by what we say; they learn by what we model. Showing them how two people can navigate struggle with dignity, humility, and patience may be the most powerful life lesson of all. Research shows that children do best in low-conflict two-parent homes. Divorce, particularly when avoidable, often introduces more confusion than clarity.
A study published in The Lancet found that children of divorced parents were at significantly higher risk for anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems compared to those in stable, intact homes, even if those homes weren’t perfect. Modelling perseverance, compassion, and repair may give children the tools to form healthier relationships of their own.

What Divorce Often Can’t Fix

The Emotional Costs to Children
No matter how amicable the separation, children experience loss. Their sense of security is disrupted, and even when parents are civil, the logistics of two homes and divided holidays are rarely seamless.
A meta-analysis by Paul R. Amato found that children of divorced parents score lower on measures of academic achievement, psychological adjustment, self-concept, and social relations. Amato concluded that "children in divorced families tend to be worse off than children who grow up in intact families, especially low-conflict ones" (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2001).
Repetition of Unresolved Patterns
Leaving doesn’t mean healing. If the couple never learned how to communicate, empathise, or grow together, those deficits will almost certainly reappear in future relationships. Divorce doesn't teach new skills; it simply ends a chapter.
Emotional and Financial Complexity
The idea of a "clean slate" is misleading. Divorce often results in emotional ambiguity, ongoing logistical negotiation, and financial strain. For families with children, the relationship doesn’t end, it just changes form and becomes far more complex.
According to a 2020 report by the UK’s Office for National Statistics, divorced individuals were twice as likely to report financial difficulties compared to those in married households.
Unacknowledged Regret
Many people leave relationships without ever testing their full potential. What feels like a dead end is sometimes just a reflection of neglected intimacy, unresolved pain, or the absence of skilled support. Some divorces are fuelled not by incompatibility, but by avoidance.
The Myth of the Better Option
When someone feels emotionally stuck, it's easy to imagine that the problem lies with their partner rather than within. But if they never fully engaged with the challenges of growth inside the relationship, they may find themselves recreating the same dissatisfaction in the next one.
Clinical psychologist Judith Wallerstein, after a 25-year longitudinal study, observed that “only about 10 to 15 percent of divorces involved truly high-conflict marriages.” The rest were what she called “low-conflict but unhappy” relationships that, with time and work, may well have been salvageable.

Divorce doesn’t just separate partners. It teaches everyone watching how to handle disagreement, disillusionment, and difficulty. And if the unspoken lesson is “walk away when it’s hard,” then what happens when it’s us they one day find too “hard” to love?

The Path Not (Yet) Taken

Earlier I said, if there is no abuse, and the couple still gets on "okay," but they haven't tried working things through, then the relationship hasn’t truly been tested. True effort involves learning to communicate differently, understanding each other's emotional worlds, taking personal responsibility, and investing in connection as a daily practice.

Sometimes, this path transforms a mediocre relationship into something resilient and deeply bonded. Other times, it simply brings clarity and closure, a sense that, if separation happens, it is done with integrity rather than escape.

Either way, the real work lies not in leaving or staying, but in facing what hasn’t yet been faced.

What’s your take?

If you’ve come across other research, real-life stories, or hard-earned insight that challenges or deepens what’s here, I’d genuinely like to hear it. This isn’t about proving a point — it’s about sharpening the lens. Drop it in the comments or send it my way.